Ships & Giggles: The Navigator's Interview with Bernie Sanders

One rainy evening last Tuesday, I found myself evading Mother Nature's mid-March "delights" at Cedar's Mediterranean Café. Looking out at the "closing soon" signs, the skeletons of stores that once were, taking in the general depressive state of affairs that currently afflict Merchant's Row, I asked myself: what has this country come to? Where is it headed? Who is it that truly can make America great again?

As I sipped my mug of overpriced coffee, pensively contemplating the future of our great Nation, I heard the unmistakable twang of that vegan-democratic-socialist-Brooklyn-Jewish ex-hippie. Before I even laid eyes on his flowing, disheveled hair, I knew I was in the presence of the one, the only, Bernard Sanders.

"Mr. Sanders! Wow is that you?! My goodness, what brings you to Norwell?"

"Greetings! I am touring the country looking for the best gyro around."

"Well Mr. Sanders you've come to the right place!"

"Please, call me Bernie, Mr. Sanders was my father."

"Ok, Bernie. You know it’s funny we would run into each other, I am a writer for a newspaper. Could I have a few minutes of your time to do an impromptu interview?"

"Of course! Well, as long as you aren't the corporate media. All they do is bend my words and write me off..."

"No 1%ers here, I am the editor of a high school paper."

"Wonderful, ask away!"

"Mr. Sanders-excuse me, Bernie: Where do you stand on the normalization of relations with Cuba?"

"Well young man, I believe that the Cuban people have been been oppressed by their own government, and I do not support the Castro regime. But it is a step in the right direction to getting the people the freedom they deserve through diplomacy."

"Ok. Now on to the issues that truly captivate people: what do you think of the new Bernie Sanders flavored ice cream by Ben and Jerry's?"

"Well, I can tell you, it is a delicious ice cream, I mean how can you go wrong with Ben and Jerry's. But, if they were going for a ‘Bernard flavored’ ice cream, they missed by a large margin. Jane [Mrs. Sanders] can vouch for that. But at any rate, I think that it is just one more cog of the political revolution that is bringing young people into our political process- and that's Yuuuge."

"Insightful. Now, Bernie, in your honest opinion, who is your favorite president?"

"FDR. No doubt. Now some congressmen and congresswomen, both Democrats and Republicans...(accent too thick to be comprehended)...the 1%."

"Wow. Ok one more question: if you could go back in time to when you were 25, what would you change about yourself?"

"I would learn sign language. I keep trying to sign at my rallies by waving my arms in the shape of the letters, but so far it hasn't been fruitful. It's aggregating, you know, the communication barrier."

"Ok, well thank you Bernie for your time! I'll stop bothering you and let you get your gyro."

"It wasn't bothersome at all, thank you for your interview! And good luck with that paper of yours, don't let the yuge media corporations buy you little guys out!"

"Thanks Bernie!"

Bernie turned his back, and in a flash, had disappeared into the huddled masses of the 99%. Whether it was Bernie's inspiring campaign and charismatic nature, or the sheer heat of the overpriced coffee I drank, one thing was for sure: I was Feeling the Bern.